The Wrong Pizza

Sometimes, I write about mundane events and turn them into melodramatic narratives, just for fun. Because I am a word nerd. (But seriously…other people do this too, right? Someone? Anyone?)

Anyway, to switch up all the writing guides I’ve been posting lately, I thought I would share one of these snippets. I wrote this a couple weeks ago, to entertain my husband on his lunch break. At least, that’s my excuse. It was probably more entertaining for me.


“Today, as part of a fundraiser kick-off at work, there were individual pizzas for everyone. Excited for free pizza, I decided to take a break from my usual habit of walking home for lunch, and chose to stay and enjoy a delicious medley of cheese and tomato.

After perusing the stacks of pizza boxes, each with a large printed paper in front listing the type, I eagerly chose pepperoni and mushroom. One of my favourite pizza types! And on a Friday! And, let’s not forget, free! What a wonderful day!

I sat down at my desk, cracked open my can of iced tea, and opened the pizza box. Confused by the chunky pineapple and measle-like dots of red onion, I squinted and looked again. The onion fumes made me hold my breath, but the green peppers looked crisp and juicy. I looked more closely at the box, something – alas – I should have done earlier. “Classic Veggie,” I exclaimed. “I thought this was pepperoni and mushroom.” Sighing, I took a bite, and recoiled in horror from the powerful onion taste. Grateful I had grabbed paper towel as a napkin, I carefully picked off the many onion pieces, and the thankfully less-numerous pineapple. Better, but each bite still carried an echo of onion through my mouth, as if the vegetable had sweated its odour into the cheese and crust.

Classic veggie, indeed – my thoughts turned dark, erasing my earlier cheer, as I chewed slowly and flicked off yet another pustule of onion. With pineapple? It’s not even a vegetable, and not certainly not classic. What about tomato? Or spinach? This pizza was more like New Age Veggie. For hipster pineapple fanatics who put it on everything. It was probably a pineapple freak who purposefully mis-labeled the pizza stacks, trying to convert sensible people into the so-called joys of pineapple worship.

Curling my lip at the heap of raw onions and pineapple heaped in the corner, I closed the box after choking down two pieces of pizza. Well, at least it was free.”


Have a good week, everybody!


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4 thoughts on “The Wrong Pizza

  1. Gosh. I’m a vegetarian and even I thought the pizza sounded icky! I don’t know why it’s so hard to get a good veggie pizza. They either overload it with onion or add weird things. Like pineapple.

  2. Just read your blog and you should call the people at Pizza Hut and demand a commission… because now I’m hungry and calling ’em up! And to make matters worse, I LOVE pineapple on my za….. Mmm… Mushroom, pepperoni and pineapple: that’s how to make a pizza. (Aw dang it; now I’ve gone and drooled all over my keyboard.)

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